Just before the film closes for a much-needed interval, Imran Khan's "J" tells Sonam Kapoor's Simran that all her "confusion" is because of "this stupid love" and all the lovey-dovey movies she's been watching. Love jaisi koi cheez hi nahi hai, he tells her with full conviction, making Santa Claus' existence seem more real and believable.In the silence of the theatre, my friend Nikita D'Cruz, who had pretended to identify completely with Imran Khan's love-hating character up until now proclaimed, "I don't hate love. I believe it exists. But I do hate love stories." I agreed immediately into the darkness. Probably because of the debacle that lay before me.
The film was Punit Malhotra's "I Hate Luv Storys". And badly spelt title, cliched screenplay, contrived dialogues and mediocre performances apart, the film actually managed to get me thinking. Films, novels, the media in general give us a picture of love that is highly distorted, to say the least. In broad daylight, love is a complicated thing. Not as glorious, as bright, as dramatic or as easy as it looks. Here's my take on the five instant distortions of love presented in most run of the mill love stories. (Each distortion comes with a case in point that illustrates what I'm trying to say as well as a must-watch exception to my theory...)
1. The Fat and the Furious
So how come the lovers in most love stories are bloody gorgeous? Even if this is one of those films/novels where the hot girl/guy falls for the "inner beauty" of the geeky character, this love business never happens without a complete make-over. And no matter how geeky the character, he/she is never fat, never has cellulite and is always one shave/wax/haircut (+ pair of contact lenses - braces) away from being beee-you-tee-full. Of course, these films always hypocritically advocate the importance of being yourself.
The truth is, you have to alter yourself quite a bit even to get a date in the real world. You have to watch and learn. And learn fast. Because nothing is as it seems. Ask any girl who's had to wait an hour before replying to a text message from a guy she likes just so she wouldn't appear too needy (when she's actually just dying to have a conversation with the fool).
Case In Point: She's All That
Must-Watch Exception: The Mirror Has Two Faces, The Hitch
2. Who Moved My Cheese?
"You complete me."
"I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her."Any of these ring a bell? At the crux of any good love story are some really great lines. And although you call them cheesy in front of your beer-and-football buddies, you love them, you weep at them and when the time comes, you even SAY them. Yes, yes, love is a gigantic cheeseburger...and its probably no fun without the cheese. But these lines are just spontaneous and emotional. We're socially conditioned to spurt these by the dozen. What we don't realise, because the film always ends happily, is that jealousy, rage, possessiveness are as much a part of the grimy, greasy burger as the cheese. If he chooses someone else in his next janam, you can't take him to court. And when she finds someone else who completes her better, its time to learn some new moves.
Case In Point: Dil To Pagal Hai
Must-Watch Exception: Juno
3. Monetary Affairs
Characters in most love stories are rich. My bad. They're middle class people and all they can afford is Dior, Armani, Prada, Louis Vuitton, Blackberry/iPhone,chauffer driven cars, expensive sushi and a daily cuppa Italian-coffee. In some films, you're not even aware of what they do for a living; in others, they have exciting, colorful and unconventional occupations. Money, recession, unemployment, rat races, life goals are not an issue. These are sorted so that you can pay attention to the "important" stuff.
Case In Point: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Must-Watch Exception: A Lot Like Love
4. Sign-tific theories
Important. The theory that "love will show you the way" or that you will see signs that lead you to your love are dubious. There are coincidences. And they're fun. But that's that.
Love stories teach you to expect these magical symbols. And take it from someone who once believed, if you're looking for signs that the random girl you were trying to pick up at a party is in love with you, it ain't gonna come. Go home. Wash your face. Get to work. That song you danced to together plays on the radio EVERYDAY. Because its a chart buster. Not because she's going to appear at the corner coffee shop. (However, if she does appear at the corner coffee shop with a toy-boy in tow, then that is probably a very very good sign)
Case In Point: Dil Toh Pagal Hai and I Hate Luv Storys
Must-Watch Exception: Serendipity (at least debates the idea fairly)
5. Love Makes The World Go Round
My number one problem with love stories: they repeatedly drill into you the idea of love as an all-pervading force; they convince you that its the only thing in the world worth living for. Not true. Individuality, dreams, success, ambition, happiness and just doing what you love are as important. In fact, these often create, cement and strengthen relationships.
Case In Point: Twilight
Must-Watch Exception: Runaway Bride, Jerry Maguire (again, they debate the idea fairly)
Epilogue
Towards the end of Jerry Maguire, Renee Zellweger says to a divorced women's support group,
"I agree that men are the enemy. But then maybe, I love the enemy."The way I feel about love stories is probably this. (The fact that I remembered that line off the top of my head should be proof enough as to how Rom-com-addled my brain is...)
I am a happy sitter-on-the-fence; I cry like a baby during some of these films while "Mard ka sar sirf teen auraton ke saamne jhukta hai"-type dialogues make me go "Ew. Ew! EW."
In short, I'm open to debate. But while I'm at it, let me just say this: I like my caramel-tomato-cheese popcorn shaken.
