Bad Bad Beera

So. Mani Ratnam's Raavan had its moments. Like when SP Dev burns cigarette holes into a newspaper cutout that features Beera and his gang and the holes look like ten heads. Cool. But random inspired moments do not make a film. Next to me, my dad kept muttering in Marathi, "So how much are we supposed to forgive just because its Mani??" Die hard fans of the filmmaker, my dad and I sat through it, while my mum made the subtle excuse of aching legs to sit in PVR's lobby and eat salted popcorn instead. Unfortunately, terrible person that I am, I forgive, but never forget. Therefore, for your benefit...

The Ten Things in Raavan you WILL have to Forgive Mani and Friends for:

1. SP Dev (Vikram) doesn't really know what side he is on. He is far from being the god-like Ram. He kills (Beera's brother), trusts (Govinda's Sanjeevani) and hurts (Beera's brother in law) at random. Mani thinks taking a leaf out of Sanjay Gupta's book and giving his character dark glasses can replace the need for character definition altogether.
2. Sabyasachi lurks somewhere outside the frame so that Aishwarya's Raagini can look drop dead gorgeous in every shot. Even when she takes to wearing clothes given by the tribals, Sabya's gorgeous block print is a recognisable distraction on the blouse.
3. Santosh Sivan and V. Manikanandan are roped in for the cinematography with the assumption that they can make up for plot. In several parts, they almost do.
4. Govinda is allowed to do Spiderman-like stunts as the human-Hanuman, Sanjeevani and we are expected to believe that the khamba of desi-lemon daaru he lugs around is responsible for this. Also, he finds Raagini in the thick forest in minutes once he decides to, while the police force who have been at it for days just can't. 
5. If you looked at the trailers closely enough, you already knew this: Beera (Abhishek Bachchan) with his chandan-painted face is the Joker's naajayaz aulad. He laughs, grunts and mutters like a psychopath: "Chik Chik Chik Chik" and "Bak Bak Bak Bak" being his favoured phrases. Thankfully, Beera does not dress up as a nurse or cut up peoples smiles. He only ties people to strange scarecrow-mannequins and blows up police camps in true-blue Dark Knight fashion.
6. Hilariously enough, Raagini who is free to run from the clutches of the wily Beera, doesn't do so for fourteen days, because understandably, she will never be able to find her way out of the jungles. Yet, when her "purity" is questioned by her pati Dev, she simply stops-train-by-pulling-chain, gets off empty handed and reaches Beera's pad a short walk and a bus ride later.
7. There are two climactic scenes. These were probably necessary to extend a two page screenplay into a forty page one. The first climax involves gravity-and-fire-defying stunts on a wooden ropeway and you can hear the tiny wooden planks groan under the combined weight of Abhishek Bachchan and Vikram.
8. In the second climax, Raagini is dressed up in white. And she arrives in this attire to question Beera on the whole purity issue. And Beera is dressed in black. Ah! The subtle symbolism.
9. There are too many songs in the film. If you sat through Guru wondering what the point of the "Ek Lo Ek Muft" song was, prepare to wonder while "Thok De Killi" and "Kata Kata Bechaara Bakra" play. Strangely, Mani takes from Ekta Kapoor in the film. Her *Dhadhan. Dhadhan. Dhadhan* during the vamp's entrance is replaced with a *Beera. Beera. Beera*.  The glory, power and evil of Raavan is thus reduced to the purposeless cattiness of Komolika  :-|
10. The only true representation Mani achieves in the film is that of the nature of a man's love vs a woman's. Really. It only takes a long jump down a waterfall, a landing on a thorny protruding branch, a collapse and near-drowning in the river, a rock climbing adventure and an attack with a pointy rock for Beera to fall in love with Raagini. Meanwhile, all it takes for Raagini to fall for Beera is Dev's "rejection" and Beera's belief that she is pure "like gold which glows more when it is burned in a fire".